Tonight got me thinking back to the days when I watched the stars with my Mom. It was such a long time ago but I can remember it so vividly. It feels like it just happened.
I remember as a kid my Mom being very sad, she did a good job of not making it too obvious but sometimes there are just those moments when you just snap and can’t help but cry. I saw a couple of those, it was hard seeing the person who I leaned on being broken. It was hard not being able to do anything because I was so young and I didn’t know the cause of the tears.
My Mom, My Sister and I used to lie out under the stars together every time there was a meteor shower. It started where we would get three quilts, two for the bottom and one for the top. We would lie under them and I would lie my head on my Mom’s arm and we’d watch for shooting stars. I still remember the grass popping up around my head and randomly smacking your leg because a bug climbed onto you. It continued and eventually we got a beat up old cushion from god knows where, I think one of my Mom’s co-workers gave it to her. This was the second stage, now we had a cushion, one blanket under us and two on top. It was much warmer even though it really wasn’t that cold to begin with. Then we got a trampoline, we would get the cushion, put it on the trampoline, put one blanket under us and two on top. It got a little staticy from time-to-time but for the most part it was an excellent solution.
As time went on my sister started to grow up. Eventually it was just my Mom and I lying in the back yard together watching stars. We still talked and what not but it wasn’t quite the same. Then I think maybe my Mom thought that I was getting too old for it and she went in too, maybe she just started to get cold. I remember one night I went out and slept on the trampoline all by myself and I woke up around 4 am and realized that there was a crust of ice on my pillow.
I think that was the last time I slept out in the back yard. It wasn’t the same alone anyway. I realized that it wasn’t actually that much about the stars to me. I realized that my Mom’s smiles came so often when we watched the stars together. I loved to see those smiles. To this day when I watch shooting stars I can’t help but smile because I know you would be smiling were you lying next to me in those old quilts. Our times spent under the stars were some of the happiest, most beautiful and most innocent that I think any of us have ever had. Three people, lying on the dirt, wrapped up in blankets looking outside their own world for strength and something to believe in.
Well now we have something to believe in. We have lives, we have hope, we have a bright future. There is almost too much to believe in. Things might not always be getting better but at least they haven’t been getting worse. I really appreciate this upward trend, let’s see more of this on next year’s forecast. I see clear skies and smooth sailing.
What a weird life I am living. Strangely beautiful and strangely discouraging. I’m loved and trusted. I’m believed in. What friendship, what passion, what a dream.
I’m not alone, that’s what is important. I keep landing in this place, though. Where it’s just me bathing in this pond. I’m beginning to love it. And I love all of you. Tonight was absolutely brilliant, tomorrow will be absolutely brilliant. What’s next? What was first? I don’t remember the path here but I’m sure that there are flowers growing along it if I ever wanted to go back. Maybe it will help someone else find their way when they are lost.
Let’s all keep respecting one another, we’re going to find out where the boat is going sooner or later.
“I like you so much that after you’re done showering I sneak into the bathroom and use the hair you left in the drain to make little hair versions of you, which I eat later.”
Favorite ever. Seriously.
Here with you on this couch seems very strange but also very appropriate. You have been in my thoughts as of recently and seeing you here ties a knot in-between the two threads of this and that. If we spend this time together and that is all we get so be it. If we spend all sorts of time together and have a really good time so be it. I am moving to a state in my life where I am not partaking in actions for their product but rather taking part in actions to avoid inaction and also always thinking with a clear mind and conscious.
I’m not sure what any of this means but it’s got to be good. I didn’t expect anything and that is what is great.
7:13 pm is the last interaction I had with you.
It’s now 5:35 am. That is about 10 hours.
I feel completely alive, and I would feel the same were you here. I’m free and so are you. And we are both happy. Holy crap, is this a joke? Why do I trust you so much? Why don’t I have some strange compulsion to hold you tight to me and never let go? Am I broken or am I repaired?
I’m asking you a lot of questions but please, don’t answer any of them. It would take away the mystique. We are both so far from being perfect, maybe that is what makes this friendship so grand and also what makes it so exciting.
I love my life. I love all of you.
Two in one night???
I’m sitting here drinking a glass of milk and I just looked in the refrigerator and I saw a pitcher of Sangria stuffed with oranges, lemons and the like in it. I will never have a friendship or a relationship of any kind that you and I have again.
We relate but disagree. We have our issues but we are still so close and I can tell you anything from how much I hate the person who is sitting next to me on the train to how much I love the way the girl I am loving holds me when I cry. I can tell you anything and you just listen. The value of that cannot be stated in dollars or cents. The only thing I can hope is that some day I will be able to give you 10% of what you have given me.
The way you laugh and make stupid jokes when you drink. The way you smile when I say that I can accompany you to somewhere that is along the way on our car ride. The way you support me and are proud of me. The way you always offer to make me a cup of coffee even when I’ve been a prick all day.
You are a wonderful person and the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.
I love you, thank you. So damn much.
To the lovely hostess
With the long blond hair
I do apologize
about when you caught me in a stare
but you looked so pretty
simply standing there.
Do me a small favor
only if you can
give this friendly boy a call
and make him a happy man..
not in my /b/
Sitting in your bedroom
On the bedroom floor
On that piece of bed
Bedroom beside the door
I’m lost in my own thoughts
It is nice to know
Always standing by you
Always standing alone.
I listened to that song again. It’s been years I think. I remember the CD that I received from you, you placed it in my hands and the writing on it made me smile over and over.
I listened to the music, I heard the lyrics, I liked it a lot. I didn’t ever sit down and take the time to process what it meant. What you communicated in those lyrics took me 5 years to figure out on my own. Incredible, huh? Talk about something being right under your nose.
It hurts to think that I’ve missed so much being in one mindset when this other is so much better. I miss you even though we were never that close. I value the fact that you value me and while it may be in passing I still love it. There is so much in our lives that later in our lives we realize if we would have looked at the time it would have been so obvious.
Now I’m sitting here, alone.
